Published May 20, 2009
Chapter 1 Over and out
Location Frigate: HMS Bearer, Elexus system.
Date April 27th (Earth) Echo A39 (Closest planet: Conel)
Time 1000 hours ‘shiptime’,
Year Minus (971,006,000,) 000,002
I looked out from the bridge of the HMS Bearer at the dozen military assault vessels floating through the vacuum through the unoccupied space above the vastly unexplored planet, Conel. With only a population of three million spread out throughout seven cities it was uncommon to have so much military activity, but the little green-purple planet was special.
Instead of its brother and sister planets in the Elexus system; Lexus and Harbourne, it didn’t completely rely on tourism and trade to keep the planet going; it relied on something greater but much more dangerous.
Iron. With iron you could create titanium, and with titanium you could create vessels, trade or military. And vessels were the backbone of any space-faring empire.
And before the discovery of Conel, iron had been running out, and that meant all vessels that were destroyed or lost couldn’t be replaced, and Her Majesty’s Royal Navy would slowly crumble, taking the Commune down with her.
The Commune, the guys we’re fighting; the bad guys. We’re suppose to the good guys, but the truth is that we are just as bad. We kill, we rape, we plunder, and they retaliate by making the CRCP; China-Russian communism pack, then joined by Korea, Japan and India to make the Commune, known to many as the Comm.
The Commune used proper gander to make them look better than us, and we do the same vice versa. See? Everything is Her Majesty’s Royal navy and Her Majesty’s Royal Marines and Her Majesty’s Bullshit.
“Captain sir?” A bridge officer broke me out of my chain of thought. “Seven Commune ships are breaking from the atmosphere and heading to our position.”
“Chinese?”
“Russian sir” Damn it, the Russians were the hardcore communists of the Comm group, maybe if it were china peace negotiations would be possible.
Yet if this little confrontation didn’t go very well it could become a very messy battle, and his superiors wouldn’t be pleased. This mission was about a supposedly peace talk about the iron situation on Conel.
The planet had been ‘peacefully’ switching between the Commune and the MoD for years, resulting in dozens of light skirmishes on the plants densely packed forest surface, which both governments had tried very hard to cover up, maintaining their peaceful, trustworthy reputation.
“Admiral Laurenhowgh wants a status report sir.” Laurenhowgh, the name would make the most powerful generals soil their pants. He was arguably the most powerful commander in the navy, and was definitely the most dangerous. To say that I liked the man was wrong, and to say that he didn’t like me was a gross understatement.
The officer held the receiver and waited for me to take it. When I did she looked at me as to say, good luck. No wait, it was more like Jesus Christ be careful.
I told him situation, heard him pause then say “Captain”
“Yes sir?” I replied
“If things don’t go as planned, I want you in charge of the ground operation if we are to invade Conel.”
“If you don’t mind me asking sir, why not Commander Richards or any of the other captains?”
“You were a major yes? Before you were drafted to the navy. You led four very successful campaigns before against the Commune; I couldn’t trust anybody else on the ground in my fleet as much as you.
Then in the space of a second his warm words turned to ice cold.
“But captain remember, just because I trust you; doesn’t mean I like you.
“This is Admiral Laurenhowgh. Out”
I didn’t know whether to be thankful that I was being given such a big operation over my higher ranking Captains, or scared because if Laurenhowgh put so much trust in me, and I messed this up because he wouldn’t be happy, that meant his superior wouldn’t be happy either.
The admiral only had one superior.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I'm confused.
-Have the humans of earth taken their inter-world war out into space?
-Why is it the Royal Navy? Shouldn't it be Air Force or Space Force etc?
Despite the confusion though I did enjoy reading this beginning and I hope you write more. Will their be aliens in this story or is it world war three etc. in space?
P.s. Could you read & review my Prologue and Chapter One? ( if you enjoy reading stuff similar to what you like writing you should enjoy it!)
There should be a comma after cities.
There should be a comma instead of a semicolon after system.
Don't start sentences with and.
The semicolon after CRCP should be a comma.
China should be capitalized and there should be a comma before peace.
Instead of using quotations around peacefully, use italics.
There should be a comma after did.
There should be a the before situation, a comma after say, and a period after Captain.
Is this a deliberate misspelling because this part is written in 1st person? If not I believe it should be propaganda.
Hiya Daft Vader! I'm Becca, and here to critique your work!
Let's get started!
Nitpicks;
I think the first semi-colon is supposed to be a comma. Otherwise, it's kind of confusing and threw me off.
Make this more dramatic by letting iron have it's own line. Like:
Iron.
With iron you could create....
See? I think it makes it more dramatic, seeing that it's so dangerous.
Don't start this with and, just before will do it.
First thing, I do not get the first sentence at all. Are, like, the commune the bad guys? If so, then, this can be a tad rearranged.
Ex: The Commune, the bad guys, were the guys fighting.
But then again, aren't usually the guys you are fighting the bad guys even if they are the good guys? Get what I'm saying? So I don't think you necessarily need to put 'bad guys' in there, because it's obvious they are going to say their enemies are the bad guys and that they are the good guys. Same goes if you ask the enemies.
You may ignore my suggestion if you want.
The beginning;
Wow, this really confused me. When I first read it, it put me off and I didn't want to read it. The beginning of stories are very important and you want something to catch the reader's attention. This may catch somebody else's attention because I'm not a big Sci-fi person, but I don't know.
Characters and description;
It's hard to critique your characters in the first chapter, not to mention this was a very short chapter.
You lacked description. There probably could be a lot more description. Don't do too much description, though, because you don't want to bore the reader.
Overall;
As I said, I'm not a big Sci-fi person. I thought this was kind of confusing at parts and could use a bit more explaining. I'm not sure where this is going. From what I understand, they found a planet with iron, which is really rare, and now they are fighting somebody for it.
It was a interesting start!
Good luck,
Becca